Preacher Jokes

Airsick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

The Dream

A wife woke up, and she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Teaching Children

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him: "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

Oldie but Goodie

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try.""Poof!" said the genie."You're a housewife."

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS 

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

 This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

 ~ This one I said myself during the congregational prayer when leading prayer for our unsaved loved ones: Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.

 ~ Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.

 ~ Come out this evening for a time of prayer and sinning.

 ~ A woman's blouse was found at a table in the middle of the servant appreciation dinner. If you lost your blouse, please come to the church office.

 ~ Overeaters Anonymous meeting will be held at 8 pm in the large room.

 ~ The ladies in the style show will meet with their dresses down in front after morning worship.

 ~ A worm welcome to all who have come today.

 The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Up Yours!"

 ~ The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

 ~ The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession

More Bulletin Bloopers

 ~ A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

 ~ The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

 ~ Evening massage: 6 p.m.

 ~ Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.

 ~ Ushers will eat latecomers.

 ~ The third verse of "Blessed Assurance" will be sung without musical accomplishment.

 ~ Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

 ~ Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

~ Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

~ The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

~ Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts...

 ~ The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the final secretary gave a grief report.

 ~ A visiting pastor came to our church and before the sermon said, "My wife and I are very happy to be here. Honey, get up so the brothers can see you."